He was just playing outside of my door. I really wanted to see him to I asked Ames to open the door and hold him back. It was the worst idea ever! i never wanted to hold him in my arms more than i wanted do now. :( Ames had to take him away after a few minutes. Enzo cried and cried outside of my door. i felt so bad. how am i going to leave him for 3 weeks in Feb??? *sigh it will happen eventually..when he goes off to day care, to school, to college...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
missing Enzo
Finally took the Radioactive Iodine pill today. Honestly, I don't feel any difference, but I guess I wouldn't feel anything until a few months later.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
uh oh...
it always breaks my heart to see Enzo sick. To see him uncomfortable, and weak...
i'm worried about Enzo...he has been running a temperature since last night. all day today he's been walking around slowly, and not really showing much interest in eating or playing. so sad! he would just walk around, stop and look at his toys, then walk away or come over to sit with me. he NEVER chooses to 'sit with me', he thinks that he's too old to sit with his mommy. hopefully tomorrow he will be much better.
i started on my 'beta blockers' today. the first dose was baaaaaaad. basically, beta blockers are usually prescribed to patients who have high blood pressure and ppl who have had a heart attack to "improve survival". well, a couple minutes after i took it, i felt dizzy, lightheaded, weak, head was pounding, and i didn't have the energy to breath. breathing was really hard, i literally felt like i had to force myself and concentrate on breathing. yikes!
as i was trying to rest, Enzo woke up crying (probably from discomfort). realizing, i had no one around to help me i had to use every bit of strength in me to go downstairs to grab Enzo's meds, come up and hold him. at the time i really didn't have anymore strength in me and just hoped that he would fall asleep beside me. we both knocked out for about 40 mins and he woke up. poor little guy couldn't go back to sleep, he ended up just getting out of bed and playing on his own. i couldn't get up...all i remember was him standing at my bedside and trying to pull me up, poked me a few times, slapped my hand a few more times and resorted to playing with my hair...at which case caused me to fall into deep sleep. what he did after that, was totally between him and God.
right now Enzo is sound asleep...still feeling really warm...
Father,
You have blessed me with Enzo. he's wonderful! he's perfect in his own little way. right now he is sick. i really hate to see him suffer. to see him hurting. Father, please send your comfort to him. Father, please heal his little body and make him strong again. You know the pain of having to watch Your Child at a weak state. Please give me the patience and endurance to watch and care over him. Give A the rest that he may need to go to work and come home to tend to his wife and child's sickness. Help us as a family to encourage and love each other. Father, thank You for Your healing and blessings upon this family. You are our Lord and Our strength.
Love,
Julie
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Postpartum Hyperthyroidism
whew! that's a lot of letters. i just heard from my Dr...my lab results definitely shows hyperthyroidism. i don't know if i should be happy or sad or worried. i mean it's possible for it to be cured. but, there are high chances that it'll come back again. i'm happy that i now have an explanation to my moodiness and "depression". sad, that enzo may be a carrier of thyroidthitis, and that there's a chance for it to pass down the generations.
it's so hard to stay a healthy mother these days. most importantly, it's so hard to stay a clean mom.
i've been sneezed on, snotted on, hurled on, ALMOST pp and poopoo'd on, spit at, drooled on, spilled stuff on, cried on and even boogered on!!! ah...the mark of a mother. :)
i'm much better today. had a nice long talk with D and it went well. i don't know what has been happening...it's been hard...but things seems to be working out. God, You made us friends...please guide us and reveal to us the path you want for us.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Day 2, lost will
Who would of known if you've lost the will power to fight, you lose the strength to fight too. Yesterday afternoon I found myself laying in bed sighing, while Enzo runs around on a mission, throwing his toys and our things all over. I realized that I lost the desire to tell him "no, don't do that". I tried to do laundry before I broke down. I dragged myself to the guest room and threw myself on the floor pleading God for help. Wondering if i just disappeared, would others' lives be better off. I wished that my life would end sooner.
God answered me, I think this was the fastest He's ever answered my cries. A came home just as I was wishing selfishly. I went over to our bedroom and waited for him to come up, while making sure Enzo wasn't doing anything harmful. I felt so gross and disgusting...I hid myself in the covers. A came over and found me in there. He asked me if I was ok...I said no, I need you right now. Just as he laid down next to me and held me close to him I couldn't fight my tears anymore. As if my last bucket of will power poured out. For the first time in a long time I felt like it was ok to cry, that I'm allowed to cry.
I really was hurting and I didn't know what to do with it. I cried for what seemed like forever. I constantly said to myself that I was a crappy person. It eventually came out of my mouth and was audible enough for A to hear. "No, you're not a crappy person. Stop that. You're not a crappy person, I married you." Then, as if Enzo knew what was going on, he came over and tapped me (in his own rough way) on the head. I looked up and he smiled and giggled at me. The tears stopped and I was able to collect myself again. But, inside I still wished that I would go away, I still felt as if everything will NOT be ok.
A left for work and Enzo is down for a nap, and I'm once again alone. I thought that after all my tears I wouldn't hurt as much anymore. That's how it always worked, but not this time. I knew that I had an appointment coming up and I wished that I would be diagnosed with something bad. I wished for weakness (physically) and death. I got part of my wish granted.
A couple hours later, I fell over weak all over and feverish. Enzo was hungry and wanted attention. But, I felt cold chills and had no strength to get up. A came home to find Enzo sitting next to me watching tv and me in a fetal position. We had dinner benefit to go to, but I couldn't go and pushed Enzo and A to go.
Few hours later I woke up to find myself in bed. I laid there in the dark and thought of how pitiful I must look. I resorted to facebooking my current status to seek acknowledgment. A lot of family and friends including a youth wished me well. I felt so shameful. I have a husband and a kid, how could I be so selfish to wish myself gone. What will happen to my family?? So what if I'm hurting right now! I have a family to care about and other friends who care about me. I mean yes, I may feel like I've lost something very important in my life, but I still have my family who are just as important. I have dreams that are not yet fulfilled.
The lost of your will to fight is such a scary thing. Darkness creeps in without you knowing...or rather darkness is invited into your life the moment you lose your will. The only thing to lead you through that darkness is a small light of hope and love from God, family and friends.
Today, I am still hurting and really want to throw myself into a wall...but, I won't, I will fight today and I will win! I have a appointment at 11:30, please pray for me. Pray that the enemy will not have his way. Pray that God and my family will be my strength and that everything will be ok.
Julie, everything will be ok. You will get through all of this hurt and come to cherish D more. Julie, your family needs you, don't give up.
God answered me, I think this was the fastest He's ever answered my cries. A came home just as I was wishing selfishly. I went over to our bedroom and waited for him to come up, while making sure Enzo wasn't doing anything harmful. I felt so gross and disgusting...I hid myself in the covers. A came over and found me in there. He asked me if I was ok...I said no, I need you right now. Just as he laid down next to me and held me close to him I couldn't fight my tears anymore. As if my last bucket of will power poured out. For the first time in a long time I felt like it was ok to cry, that I'm allowed to cry.
I really was hurting and I didn't know what to do with it. I cried for what seemed like forever. I constantly said to myself that I was a crappy person. It eventually came out of my mouth and was audible enough for A to hear. "No, you're not a crappy person. Stop that. You're not a crappy person, I married you." Then, as if Enzo knew what was going on, he came over and tapped me (in his own rough way) on the head. I looked up and he smiled and giggled at me. The tears stopped and I was able to collect myself again. But, inside I still wished that I would go away, I still felt as if everything will NOT be ok.
A left for work and Enzo is down for a nap, and I'm once again alone. I thought that after all my tears I wouldn't hurt as much anymore. That's how it always worked, but not this time. I knew that I had an appointment coming up and I wished that I would be diagnosed with something bad. I wished for weakness (physically) and death. I got part of my wish granted.
A couple hours later, I fell over weak all over and feverish. Enzo was hungry and wanted attention. But, I felt cold chills and had no strength to get up. A came home to find Enzo sitting next to me watching tv and me in a fetal position. We had dinner benefit to go to, but I couldn't go and pushed Enzo and A to go.
Few hours later I woke up to find myself in bed. I laid there in the dark and thought of how pitiful I must look. I resorted to facebooking my current status to seek acknowledgment. A lot of family and friends including a youth wished me well. I felt so shameful. I have a husband and a kid, how could I be so selfish to wish myself gone. What will happen to my family?? So what if I'm hurting right now! I have a family to care about and other friends who care about me. I mean yes, I may feel like I've lost something very important in my life, but I still have my family who are just as important. I have dreams that are not yet fulfilled.
The lost of your will to fight is such a scary thing. Darkness creeps in without you knowing...or rather darkness is invited into your life the moment you lose your will. The only thing to lead you through that darkness is a small light of hope and love from God, family and friends.
Today, I am still hurting and really want to throw myself into a wall...but, I won't, I will fight today and I will win! I have a appointment at 11:30, please pray for me. Pray that the enemy will not have his way. Pray that God and my family will be my strength and that everything will be ok.
Julie, everything will be ok. You will get through all of this hurt and come to cherish D more. Julie, your family needs you, don't give up.
Monday, September 13, 2010
a loyal friend
"A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails."
-unknown
"To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed."
- Valerie Lombardo
All these years I thought that to be a good, loyal friend I have to be the best I can be to a friend. When ever God puts someone into my life, I always find myself jumping in feet first not caring of the consequences. "Investing" in the relationship as if it's my number one priority, doing what ever I can to make sure that person is happy.
Many memories created in the process of becoming closer friends. Years of gaining each others' trust. But, it's funny how one thing can change all those years of experiences. How one thing can make me doubt and lose my trust in the person.
Despite all of the pain and resentment I feel it's meaningless. It's useless if I don't know how to handle it correctly. All these years I feel like I've been working really hard on getting rid of "myself", learning how to be selfless. But, I've failed miserably this past weekend.
I wish that I wasn't me. I wish that I could take everything back and just keep it to myself. I wish that this wouldn't hurt so much.
No matter how many times I am hurt by them I have to endure it and make sure that I am there when needed.
-unknown
"To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed."
- Valerie Lombardo
All these years I thought that to be a good, loyal friend I have to be the best I can be to a friend. When ever God puts someone into my life, I always find myself jumping in feet first not caring of the consequences. "Investing" in the relationship as if it's my number one priority, doing what ever I can to make sure that person is happy.
Many memories created in the process of becoming closer friends. Years of gaining each others' trust. But, it's funny how one thing can change all those years of experiences. How one thing can make me doubt and lose my trust in the person.
Despite all of the pain and resentment I feel it's meaningless. It's useless if I don't know how to handle it correctly. All these years I feel like I've been working really hard on getting rid of "myself", learning how to be selfless. But, I've failed miserably this past weekend.
I wish that I wasn't me. I wish that I could take everything back and just keep it to myself. I wish that this wouldn't hurt so much.
No matter how many times I am hurt by them I have to endure it and make sure that I am there when needed.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
messy motherhood...
motherhood is not what i thought it would be, i don't love it. it's sticky, messy, wet and full of constant cleaning. it has stress written all over it, due to his running around the house and opening (or tasting) everything. it leaves me sleep deprived because i'm up cleaning his mess and putting his toys away or trying to find some personal (peace) time. not to mention the days where im showerless and forced to go out to see people (that's when the hat goes on or the hair is up). most importantly motherhood is often thankless and also others view you as a lazy bum for staying home. but, motherhood is a blessing and very rewarding at times.
oh, the 'lazy bum' part...i absolutely hate going to parties or dinners and meeting others...they almost ALWAYS ask "oh, so what do u do for a living?" that's when i try to come up with some clever way of telling them that i'm a mom-at-home. but, i always lose track in my thoughts of cleaning, bathing, chasing after the little one, entertaining him, feeding, teaching right from wrong, constant "no-no nathan"......i just end up saying "i'm a mom". then right on cue they would say "oh, that's nice....(insert awkward silence)...so, what does ur husband do for a living? oh, he's an optometrist?? i have so many eye questions!!! blah blah blah blah... it's during those moments where i would tell myself "julie, i think u have lost yourself, ur identity, ur interests no longer matter, what have you done for the world? God, what are you trying to teach me?" i know i have gifts and talents outside of motherhood...i have dreams for myself. what do i do with them?
without fail, i always hear the same answers..."you're called to be a mother now. God has a plan for you and your family. be patient, you will get through all of this". well, of course i know that i will get through it all and come out a stronger woman of God. but, the responisibility to raise a child is hard and often ambiguous. what if i mess up, and dont even know the damage i have caused. it's not like i can say "it's ok, we'll just make another one and hope we do it right this time".
seeing Enzo walk and point at things, smile at me, babble on about something i can't understand is something that reminds me that he is a gift to me. it gives me a glimpse of how our Father must feel when we do silly things that make him smile down on us. And, seeing Enzo do something that requires me to sit and teach him that it was wrong, reminds me of God sitting with us.
i know i'm not really lost in motherhood. i'm just at the shop getting new parts and a tune up. my gifts, talents and dreams will always be there because it's a part of who i am. in the meantime, thankless days, constant "awkward silences" from others are all needed for my growth. i just have to remember to keep hold of my dreams and try to use the things that God has given me to aid in my family's love for God and each other.
Father, help me to see that life right now is meant to serve my family and that all of this is just a training for my future. help me to hold onto my talents and dreams so i dont forget who i am.
because they grow up so fast!!!
oh, the 'lazy bum' part...i absolutely hate going to parties or dinners and meeting others...they almost ALWAYS ask "oh, so what do u do for a living?" that's when i try to come up with some clever way of telling them that i'm a mom-at-home. but, i always lose track in my thoughts of cleaning, bathing, chasing after the little one, entertaining him, feeding, teaching right from wrong, constant "no-no nathan"......i just end up saying "i'm a mom". then right on cue they would say "oh, that's nice....(insert awkward silence)...so, what does ur husband do for a living? oh, he's an optometrist?? i have so many eye questions!!! blah blah blah blah... it's during those moments where i would tell myself "julie, i think u have lost yourself, ur identity, ur interests no longer matter, what have you done for the world? God, what are you trying to teach me?" i know i have gifts and talents outside of motherhood...i have dreams for myself. what do i do with them?
without fail, i always hear the same answers..."you're called to be a mother now. God has a plan for you and your family. be patient, you will get through all of this". well, of course i know that i will get through it all and come out a stronger woman of God. but, the responisibility to raise a child is hard and often ambiguous. what if i mess up, and dont even know the damage i have caused. it's not like i can say "it's ok, we'll just make another one and hope we do it right this time".
seeing Enzo walk and point at things, smile at me, babble on about something i can't understand is something that reminds me that he is a gift to me. it gives me a glimpse of how our Father must feel when we do silly things that make him smile down on us. And, seeing Enzo do something that requires me to sit and teach him that it was wrong, reminds me of God sitting with us.
i know i'm not really lost in motherhood. i'm just at the shop getting new parts and a tune up. my gifts, talents and dreams will always be there because it's a part of who i am. in the meantime, thankless days, constant "awkward silences" from others are all needed for my growth. i just have to remember to keep hold of my dreams and try to use the things that God has given me to aid in my family's love for God and each other.
Father, help me to see that life right now is meant to serve my family and that all of this is just a training for my future. help me to hold onto my talents and dreams so i dont forget who i am.
because they grow up so fast!!!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
life in a Pathfinder...
We finally bought a 2nd car! 2005 Nissan Pathfinder...it's GI-normous...definately big enough to house more than one baby seat AND 2 (small) passengers in the 3rd row. who says that we have to switch to a minivan once we have kids?? i feel that A and i have worked way too hard to gain our "cool points", and getting a minivan (altho glorious in its space and accessibility) is not worth losing our points over.surprisingly, with the Pathfinder's large size i'm not having such a hard time adjusting to it. in fact i enjoy my ride looking down at the puny sedans inching along as i'm zooming past them. "so, this is how it feels to be tall...i like it!"..until i arrive at my destination and have to jump out of my momma wagon.
the majority of my adjustments to the Pathfinder has nothing to do with the exterior, though. Enzo's animal crackers and kix suddenly has more places to hide in. his sippy cup has mysteriously disappeared and reappeared. luckily, i haven't lost my child in the crevices.
Father, thank you so much for blessing us with a new 'old' car. ur love is so awesome and we hope that we would be able to use what u have given to us to serve others as well.
Friday, June 4, 2010
feeling the blues..
after 5 hrs of driving, being pulled over by a cop, pit stops at local walmarts and hours of truth-or-dare...we've finally made it into Philly. during the car ride i couldn't help but to feel sad that D wasn't there to share in our fun. my physical body was there in the car talking and having fun, but my thoughts were with her. i felt like something bad was going to happen or that she's hurting. desperately i wanted to hear her voice and make sure that she was ok. i wrote her an email..received a reply...and right after i replied again i got a phone call from her. it was as if she knew right when i pushed the "send" button. i just love the way God works...especially if it's an instant reply/result. hehe..don't we all?
but, sometimes i feel that it's the long awaited results from God that are the most rewarding. it's during those long periods of waiting that we learn the most about ourselves and of God's sovereignty. He will ALWAYS respond to your prayers and on top of that He'll reward you with something totally unexpected and more than what you have asked for.
a prime example of that would be 9 years ago. i had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was pretty wounded from the experience. i knew that i had to make a pretty big commitment so i could focus on chasing after God. i prayed a certain prayer that eventually led me to meet my future husband. i said "Father, i want to focus on living a life that will glorify u. so, please close my eyes and my heart to all the guys around me except for the one that you have planned for me." well, about a year of praying and waiting for the right one, God introduced me to A who just so happened to have prayed the same exact prayer as i did. as you all know, A is now my husband and together we are chasing after God's heart.
but, sometimes i feel that it's the long awaited results from God that are the most rewarding. it's during those long periods of waiting that we learn the most about ourselves and of God's sovereignty. He will ALWAYS respond to your prayers and on top of that He'll reward you with something totally unexpected and more than what you have asked for.
a prime example of that would be 9 years ago. i had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was pretty wounded from the experience. i knew that i had to make a pretty big commitment so i could focus on chasing after God. i prayed a certain prayer that eventually led me to meet my future husband. i said "Father, i want to focus on living a life that will glorify u. so, please close my eyes and my heart to all the guys around me except for the one that you have planned for me." well, about a year of praying and waiting for the right one, God introduced me to A who just so happened to have prayed the same exact prayer as i did. as you all know, A is now my husband and together we are chasing after God's heart.
Monday, May 31, 2010
to have and to hold...
we had the privilage of attending a friend's wedding this weekend. it was very beautiful and awesome to see some old friends. i almost forgot how much work gets put into a single day. sometimes i can't help but to think that we shouldn't have put so much into our wedding, or invited so many people. if i could do it all over again i would just do a destination wedding and just have close friends and family present.
that night we went over to a friend's house and had crabs. it was amazing! totally worth me scratching all night.
that night a bunch of married couples sat around full from crabs playing a game where we ask each other penetrating questions. well, it wasn't that bad...there was nothing we wouldn't have answered. one of the questions was "since marriage, has there been anything about him/her that surprised you that you didn't know about him/her before marriage?" or "what's the most romantic thing he/she has done for you?" and "what is the one thing you are proud of still doing even after a baby?"
i'm not too sure how i would answer some of those questions. i don't think there's anything about A that surprised me after we got married. for him, he was surprised about my passion for counseling others. i think i was surprised about that too...i don't think i saw it in myself before we got married. i just knew that i really enjoyed talking to people, especially when they are in need. haha..as for most romantic thing...we just won't go there because we don't have any..we should work on this part a little more. and, the one thing we are proud of doing even after a baby is going out for fine dining and having dinner parties at our house.
after being together for so long..things just don't stick out as much anymore, and we just don't have the energy to be creative. i sometimes wonder if that should be something that we should be working on.
that night we went over to a friend's house and had crabs. it was amazing! totally worth me scratching all night.
that night a bunch of married couples sat around full from crabs playing a game where we ask each other penetrating questions. well, it wasn't that bad...there was nothing we wouldn't have answered. one of the questions was "since marriage, has there been anything about him/her that surprised you that you didn't know about him/her before marriage?" or "what's the most romantic thing he/she has done for you?" and "what is the one thing you are proud of still doing even after a baby?"
i'm not too sure how i would answer some of those questions. i don't think there's anything about A that surprised me after we got married. for him, he was surprised about my passion for counseling others. i think i was surprised about that too...i don't think i saw it in myself before we got married. i just knew that i really enjoyed talking to people, especially when they are in need. haha..as for most romantic thing...we just won't go there because we don't have any..we should work on this part a little more. and, the one thing we are proud of doing even after a baby is going out for fine dining and having dinner parties at our house.
after being together for so long..things just don't stick out as much anymore, and we just don't have the energy to be creative. i sometimes wonder if that should be something that we should be working on.
Friday, May 28, 2010
passing time
sometimes when i look at N i can't help but to think of how fast time is flying by. he went from not being able to wrap his arms all the way around his head to now where he's able to touch the tip of his fingers. from laying around on his back/belly all day to now where he can't sit still without veggietales. and from not being able to get from point a to point b
without being carried around to now where he doesn't even want to be held.
"wow, i'm getting OLD" is the first thought that pops into my head when i watch N grow up. after spending a little over a week here at my parent's house i can't help but to look back at my past here. where i would spend the summers laying around on the couch and waiting for school to come back around. or i would spend the time jumping from couch to couch with my sister pretending to be the characters in the chinese dramas. haha..i remember one summer my sister and i spent a lot of time sitting on the bathroom sink having "tea time". we drank water until we got sick.
but, this afternoon i find my sister and i on the living room couches typing away on our laptops. she's doing "work" and i'm blogging away and spying on people on facebook...barely talking to each other.
so, what's different here? why is it that we never have time for others anymore? we fill in our free time with gaming online, facebooking, tweeting, watching tv, chatting online, blogging or even "working". we neglect each other and we've even gone as far as losing our communication skills, making up excuses for not making new friends. and, among all of these distractions we put in our life...where is God in our list of "things to do"?
i still haven't found the best way for me to give up some of my laptop time to spend with God instead. i know i should really force myself to spend it reading God's word. i know that if i long to chase after God i need to make the initiative.
without being carried around to now where he doesn't even want to be held.
"wow, i'm getting OLD" is the first thought that pops into my head when i watch N grow up. after spending a little over a week here at my parent's house i can't help but to look back at my past here. where i would spend the summers laying around on the couch and waiting for school to come back around. or i would spend the time jumping from couch to couch with my sister pretending to be the characters in the chinese dramas. haha..i remember one summer my sister and i spent a lot of time sitting on the bathroom sink having "tea time". we drank water until we got sick.
but, this afternoon i find my sister and i on the living room couches typing away on our laptops. she's doing "work" and i'm blogging away and spying on people on facebook...barely talking to each other.
so, what's different here? why is it that we never have time for others anymore? we fill in our free time with gaming online, facebooking, tweeting, watching tv, chatting online, blogging or even "working". we neglect each other and we've even gone as far as losing our communication skills, making up excuses for not making new friends. and, among all of these distractions we put in our life...where is God in our list of "things to do"?
i still haven't found the best way for me to give up some of my laptop time to spend with God instead. i know i should really force myself to spend it reading God's word. i know that if i long to chase after God i need to make the initiative.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
God u're awesome!
oh wow! God you're awesome!!! right after i wrote the previous blog and was about to publish it my god sister called me just to see how i was doing. WOW! God really listens and He sent someone to cheer me up. :)
*sigh* i am feeling much better now. :) once i let all the tears out my heart isn't as heavy anymore. thanks for all your encouragements my friends and family. you're amazing!!!!! :D
*sigh* i am feeling much better now. :) once i let all the tears out my heart isn't as heavy anymore. thanks for all your encouragements my friends and family. you're amazing!!!!! :D
missing you
have u ever had those moments where you feel like something is missing? you know exactly what it is, but there's nothing you can do about it. you just have to try and get over it to save yourself from the heartache.
i'm having one of those moments now. it takes everything in me to not lay in bed all day. i have to force myself out to not think about the pain. i go out everyday to fill my mind with temporary distractions only to come home to my permanent heartache. i'm not exactly alone, i have a lot of people around me and i try to keep myself busy, but yet i still feel so lonely. this is really just as bad as when A went to Kuwait. sad right? i know. i didn't think that this would be this hard. or am i just allowing this to be this hard? maybe i'm just hormonal...hahaha...it's silly...i know that she's not gone forever...but it's hard...i don't know why i feel this sad.
well, i'm left with nothing to do now, but to wish D comfort and busyness. to pray for her every moment that i think of her. to be strong for her so i could encourage her when needed.
Father,
thank you so much for blessing me with this friendship. you have taught me so much through D. but, now you have called her to the other side of the world...help her to continue to be obedient to you. help her to be weak when she is stubborn, and help her to be strong when she is feeling lonely. Father only you can love her the way that she deserves to be loved, so..Father...love her. surround her with your people and remind her through them that it's ok and that you're there with her. work in the hearts of the people there and help them to be gentle with D's heart. equip her with all the right weapons to fight this war.
Father, i need you more than ever now. i am so weak now...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually....my heart can't take much more of this. give me the strength to overcome these desires to just be sad and tired. i can't do this myself, i realize that i need you. i want your comfort...a comfort that no one can give to me but you, Father. wipe these tears from my eyes...Father, why am i so weak? i know that it's the only way for me to rely on you...but Father this hurts so much. why is my heart so stubborn that every time i need to be this broken before i can look for your comfort? all i need is you...all i need is your comfort...all i want is peace in my heart. Father, you know that i love you...and i know that you love me, but help me to feel it. i don't want to feel this helpless. help me to understand that it's ok to cry and that it's ok to be sad...and in all this i will find your love for me. thank you for giving me Enzo and A to be with me. Father, help them to be patient with me as i am trying to remember that you're in this.
desiring to chase after you, Father.
with that i end this post with a message from honeydew to his god mommy. i hope you understand what he's saying to u. :) i'm sure it's the usual "i love you, and i miss you very very very much"
i'm having one of those moments now. it takes everything in me to not lay in bed all day. i have to force myself out to not think about the pain. i go out everyday to fill my mind with temporary distractions only to come home to my permanent heartache. i'm not exactly alone, i have a lot of people around me and i try to keep myself busy, but yet i still feel so lonely. this is really just as bad as when A went to Kuwait. sad right? i know. i didn't think that this would be this hard. or am i just allowing this to be this hard? maybe i'm just hormonal...hahaha...it's silly...i know that she's not gone forever...but it's hard...i don't know why i feel this sad.
well, i'm left with nothing to do now, but to wish D comfort and busyness. to pray for her every moment that i think of her. to be strong for her so i could encourage her when needed.
Father,
thank you so much for blessing me with this friendship. you have taught me so much through D. but, now you have called her to the other side of the world...help her to continue to be obedient to you. help her to be weak when she is stubborn, and help her to be strong when she is feeling lonely. Father only you can love her the way that she deserves to be loved, so..Father...love her. surround her with your people and remind her through them that it's ok and that you're there with her. work in the hearts of the people there and help them to be gentle with D's heart. equip her with all the right weapons to fight this war.
Father, i need you more than ever now. i am so weak now...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually....my heart can't take much more of this. give me the strength to overcome these desires to just be sad and tired. i can't do this myself, i realize that i need you. i want your comfort...a comfort that no one can give to me but you, Father. wipe these tears from my eyes...Father, why am i so weak? i know that it's the only way for me to rely on you...but Father this hurts so much. why is my heart so stubborn that every time i need to be this broken before i can look for your comfort? all i need is you...all i need is your comfort...all i want is peace in my heart. Father, you know that i love you...and i know that you love me, but help me to feel it. i don't want to feel this helpless. help me to understand that it's ok to cry and that it's ok to be sad...and in all this i will find your love for me. thank you for giving me Enzo and A to be with me. Father, help them to be patient with me as i am trying to remember that you're in this.
desiring to chase after you, Father.
with that i end this post with a message from honeydew to his god mommy. i hope you understand what he's saying to u. :) i'm sure it's the usual "i love you, and i miss you very very very much"
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
walking! eek!
badoom...badoom..badoom....sounds he makes when he's crawling....
pit pat pit pat pit pat...sounds he makes when he's walking!!!!!!!
he's finally learned how to walk with no assistance!!!! well, he still prefers crawling, but every time he takes that step out on his own we would encourage him and clap for him. it's amazing what a simple clap or cheer can do for a child. he's so happy to be walking on his own...he'll do this high pitched squeal.
again, i got a glimpse of what God must feel when we take that leap of faith and start to walk in our destiny. how proud He must be of us when we obey. oh, how the angels clap and cheer us on...
it's yet another milestone...i was just looking at old pictures of Enzo the other day and realized how big he is now! he's really half my size now!!! and has more than 8 teeth!!!
he looks more and more like A. this morning when i went to pick up Enzo i realized that his hair was sticking out on the side just like his daddy. i couldn't help but to laugh at him like i do to A in the mornings.
a preview of what's to come in the future...
pit pat pit pat pit pat...sounds he makes when he's walking!!!!!!!
he's finally learned how to walk with no assistance!!!! well, he still prefers crawling, but every time he takes that step out on his own we would encourage him and clap for him. it's amazing what a simple clap or cheer can do for a child. he's so happy to be walking on his own...he'll do this high pitched squeal.
again, i got a glimpse of what God must feel when we take that leap of faith and start to walk in our destiny. how proud He must be of us when we obey. oh, how the angels clap and cheer us on...
it's yet another milestone...i was just looking at old pictures of Enzo the other day and realized how big he is now! he's really half my size now!!! and has more than 8 teeth!!!
he looks more and more like A. this morning when i went to pick up Enzo i realized that his hair was sticking out on the side just like his daddy. i couldn't help but to laugh at him like i do to A in the mornings.
a preview of what's to come in the future...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
friend?
have you ever had a friend that you felt couldn't have known you better? a friend who would walk with you through life's ups and downs? a friend who's taught you so much about God's love? or how about a friend whom you are willing to lay down your life for?
honestly, i thought that person can only be my husband...my family. growing up i was always taught to keep to myself and not worry about someone outside of my family. i was to sacrifice whatever i had for my family, but ppl outside of that were considered a waste of time. for a while i thought that was how life was suppose to be for an ABC christian. it wasn't until i met A and we started our journey as husband and wife, that i learned the importance of loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. the love i learned from my past was a selfish love...a love in which we used each other to satisfy our loneliness as a teen. but, the love i have for A is different, he's taught me over the years that loving someone meant u are willing to give up your own comforts and frustrations in order to make the other person happy. he's lost so many fights with me just because he knew i loved to win. i learned patience from him and selfless love.
bc of what A taught me in life i was able to practice that with someone i met in my journey towards God. she was definitely different from all the other girls i've ever met, but i couldn't figure out what it was. i just knew that there was something about her that captivated me. little did i know that she was my next mission...she possessed a very special gift where i've never seen in anyone else in my life. compassionate love. i mean her heart is so kind and so clear...she could see right through others ugliness and love them for their heart. it seems that this gift is lost in this world and is a rarity today.
she has her quirks and insecurities, but that is precisely the reason why i love her so much and want to do what ever i can to protect her (older sibling personality coming out). using what A has taught me i learned to apply it to our friendship, which was surprisingly easy to do for her. the selfish ABC was starting to really enjoy loving her friend.
days spent talking to each other, hours spent lounging on the couch, and minutes spent being pushed by each other. even though we didn't really grow up together i really feel as if we were the best of friends in the hospital's nursery and watched each other fall and scrape our knees. she understands my broken thoughts and can finish my sentences before i can even think of the words!!!
during that time God was sending all sorts of ppl into my life to push my buttons. for the longest time i couldn't figure out why. until recently, God started to reveal the reason why I was friends with D. my next mission was to learn how to love ppl who i think aren't worthy of my love. wow! that's a toughy. but, while watching D use her gift, i was so inspired to do the same in order to be closer to God.
the past few months i would drag myself to talk to ppl i wouldn't normally approach, fear of being creeped out or angered. in the past i would used to imagine myself hitting whoever is annoying me with huge boxing gloves. but now, it's different...i feel peace when i talk to them and it's because i really want to change and really want to obey God's commands.
well, now D is off to Taiwan to bless others with her love and i'm left behind to practice my new skills. i look forward to her return already so i could pounce on her and surprise her with what God has used her to teach me.
(nothing describes our relationship better than this... ;P)
honestly, i thought that person can only be my husband...my family. growing up i was always taught to keep to myself and not worry about someone outside of my family. i was to sacrifice whatever i had for my family, but ppl outside of that were considered a waste of time. for a while i thought that was how life was suppose to be for an ABC christian. it wasn't until i met A and we started our journey as husband and wife, that i learned the importance of loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. the love i learned from my past was a selfish love...a love in which we used each other to satisfy our loneliness as a teen. but, the love i have for A is different, he's taught me over the years that loving someone meant u are willing to give up your own comforts and frustrations in order to make the other person happy. he's lost so many fights with me just because he knew i loved to win. i learned patience from him and selfless love.
bc of what A taught me in life i was able to practice that with someone i met in my journey towards God. she was definitely different from all the other girls i've ever met, but i couldn't figure out what it was. i just knew that there was something about her that captivated me. little did i know that she was my next mission...she possessed a very special gift where i've never seen in anyone else in my life. compassionate love. i mean her heart is so kind and so clear...she could see right through others ugliness and love them for their heart. it seems that this gift is lost in this world and is a rarity today.
she has her quirks and insecurities, but that is precisely the reason why i love her so much and want to do what ever i can to protect her (older sibling personality coming out). using what A has taught me i learned to apply it to our friendship, which was surprisingly easy to do for her. the selfish ABC was starting to really enjoy loving her friend.
days spent talking to each other, hours spent lounging on the couch, and minutes spent being pushed by each other. even though we didn't really grow up together i really feel as if we were the best of friends in the hospital's nursery and watched each other fall and scrape our knees. she understands my broken thoughts and can finish my sentences before i can even think of the words!!!
during that time God was sending all sorts of ppl into my life to push my buttons. for the longest time i couldn't figure out why. until recently, God started to reveal the reason why I was friends with D. my next mission was to learn how to love ppl who i think aren't worthy of my love. wow! that's a toughy. but, while watching D use her gift, i was so inspired to do the same in order to be closer to God.
the past few months i would drag myself to talk to ppl i wouldn't normally approach, fear of being creeped out or angered. in the past i would used to imagine myself hitting whoever is annoying me with huge boxing gloves. but now, it's different...i feel peace when i talk to them and it's because i really want to change and really want to obey God's commands.
well, now D is off to Taiwan to bless others with her love and i'm left behind to practice my new skills. i look forward to her return already so i could pounce on her and surprise her with what God has used her to teach me.
(nothing describes our relationship better than this... ;P)
3/11/2010
RIP Allie
After the accident on Sunday i was feeling very down on Monday. I felt myself spiraling down into a never ending pit of "what ifs". Images of a Lexus Es coming closer as we are about to smash into it played in my head endlessly. As I spent the day going back in time I clearly was not helping myself get over it.
There were a few split second moments where I was able to "snap" myself out of it. And, it was during those moments I thought back to our recent study of Job. Job lost everything in one day and yet he was still able to praise God in his suffering. Immediately I attempted to compare myself to him. "What if" in that accident I had lost my son & my husband and I lost all of my limbs! Would I still be able to praise God for the lost? Honestly...no! I would not be able to say "thank you Lord for testing me", instead I would say "Lord, what have you done?! Why me?!" Obviously I was being silly trying to compare myself with Job...Look at me! We've only lost our car and I am already wallowing in our experience or lost.
As the day went on I added onto my sadness by asking myself if this happened because we have sinned. Or is it because we care so much about our car (Allie)? I even tried to avoid all of this by sleeping. but, I was still thinking about it in my dreams!
In the evening I complained about my day with D. I shared about all my thoughts and (maybe because I verbalized it) I realized what was wrong. I wasn't upset at the injustice of the situation or the pain of having to dish out more money. The reason why I couldn't let the accident go was because I had no control over it. I felt so helpless and desperately wanted to figure out what I could have done to avoid the accident (I wanted control). I wasn't even the one driving! I wasn't suffering because of sin, but I was sinning because of my suffering (how profound is that truth?!). I instantly saw that it was how I handled things in the past. I remembered going through the same struggle over control my freshman year of college. The solution was for me to take myself off of the pedestal. The funny thing is I thought that I had already passed that test my freshman year and that I wouldn't be tested on that again. Not realizing that I have been fighting for control every single time I've been tested. It's scary the kind of lies you tell yourself or how easy it is for you to fool yourself.
Recognizing the root of what the problem was I instantly felt relief. I knew how to deal with the situation. I just needed to give it all up to God and let Him take over. As easy as that may sound I know that it will be a constant struggle for me. But, I trust that God will only strengthen me for His kingdom. And, I welcome God to test me over and over again, because He is a sovereign God. Most importantly it is just another opportunity for me to turn to God for strength.
After the accident on Sunday i was feeling very down on Monday. I felt myself spiraling down into a never ending pit of "what ifs". Images of a Lexus Es coming closer as we are about to smash into it played in my head endlessly. As I spent the day going back in time I clearly was not helping myself get over it.
There were a few split second moments where I was able to "snap" myself out of it. And, it was during those moments I thought back to our recent study of Job. Job lost everything in one day and yet he was still able to praise God in his suffering. Immediately I attempted to compare myself to him. "What if" in that accident I had lost my son & my husband and I lost all of my limbs! Would I still be able to praise God for the lost? Honestly...no! I would not be able to say "thank you Lord for testing me", instead I would say "Lord, what have you done?! Why me?!" Obviously I was being silly trying to compare myself with Job...Look at me! We've only lost our car and I am already wallowing in our experience or lost.
As the day went on I added onto my sadness by asking myself if this happened because we have sinned. Or is it because we care so much about our car (Allie)? I even tried to avoid all of this by sleeping. but, I was still thinking about it in my dreams!
In the evening I complained about my day with D. I shared about all my thoughts and (maybe because I verbalized it) I realized what was wrong. I wasn't upset at the injustice of the situation or the pain of having to dish out more money. The reason why I couldn't let the accident go was because I had no control over it. I felt so helpless and desperately wanted to figure out what I could have done to avoid the accident (I wanted control). I wasn't even the one driving! I wasn't suffering because of sin, but I was sinning because of my suffering (how profound is that truth?!). I instantly saw that it was how I handled things in the past. I remembered going through the same struggle over control my freshman year of college. The solution was for me to take myself off of the pedestal. The funny thing is I thought that I had already passed that test my freshman year and that I wouldn't be tested on that again. Not realizing that I have been fighting for control every single time I've been tested. It's scary the kind of lies you tell yourself or how easy it is for you to fool yourself.
Recognizing the root of what the problem was I instantly felt relief. I knew how to deal with the situation. I just needed to give it all up to God and let Him take over. As easy as that may sound I know that it will be a constant struggle for me. But, I trust that God will only strengthen me for His kingdom. And, I welcome God to test me over and over again, because He is a sovereign God. Most importantly it is just another opportunity for me to turn to God for strength.
2/18/2010
(something very special to me that I've learned recently...pls excuse the grammer)"Have I brushed my teeth?" is a question I asked myself today at 6pm. Actually it is a question I often ask myself when I am home alone all day with Enzo. Don't get me wrong..I love spending time with my son. But, when it's one of "those days" where he is fussy and curious all day, and I have little to none adult interaction. Where my days are filled with somewhat intellectual "oooohs, whoa's, uh ohs, and (my favorite) 'Nathan, where are you?...Yea?!(answered by Nathan)". It's a little hard. I don't know how many KitKats I had eaten to keep myself running up and down those stairs to put Enzo back down.
After my lunch I attempted to get away from my own madness with some worship. It seemed to help a little. But, while I was worshipping I found myself singing "Just Let Me Say" Father please take me out of this house! Or I was singing "Oh Lord My Heart Longs To Be" back in Baltimore where I can be rescued from myself.
If I could only see my face once Abs walked through that door. I must of looked very helpless, but indeed I did feel helpless. I was so relieved to see someone taller than me!
Abs took us out of the house and we went to MacArthur for dinner and some shopping. During dinner I watched Nathan scarf down a cheese wrap from Cheesecake Factory. I found myself looking at him and my thick cold heart melting. I realized how selfish I was. It's not Nathan's fault for being fussy, he had 3 shots yesterday! It's not his fault for being curious, he's still learning to adjust to a world where everything is bigger than him. Where there is a woman who calls herself "momma" constantly freaking out and screaming at him everytime he tries or touches something potentially messy. I chuckled at myself...if there's anyone entitled to have a meltdown it's Nathan.
This epiphany had opened my eyes to God's grace and love for me. Whenever I'm having a crazy or "the world is ending" moment God doesn't look at me in anger. He doesn't whine about how annoying I am. He is instead patiently waiting for me to finish crying and He smiles at me then gently tells me "it's ok I'm here for you". Or when I'm curious about something He doesn't stop me from any potential messiness. He let's me choose on my own and if I get dirty or hurt He's there showing or teaching me what I've learned. Of course when He sees that I'm about to fall into a corner of a table or stick my finger into a socket he steps in. That right there is real parenting. Being a mom is so hard!
I say to myself "I want to be a good mother". A mother that will teach Nathan to love God. But, how am I going to do that if I keep getting in the way?! Wow, thanks God for using Nathan to teach me such a valuble lesson. I see that I've got a long ways to go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)