Day 2, lost will

Who would of known if you've lost the will power to fight, you lose the strength to fight too. Yesterday afternoon I found myself laying in bed sighing, while Enzo runs around on a mission, throwing his toys and our things all over. I realized that I lost the desire to tell him "no, don't do that". I tried to do laundry before I broke down. I dragged myself to the guest room and threw myself on the floor pleading God for help. Wondering if i just disappeared, would others' lives be better off. I wished that my life would end sooner.

God answered me, I think this was the fastest He's ever answered my cries. A came home just as I was wishing selfishly. I went over to our bedroom and waited for him to come up, while making sure Enzo wasn't doing anything harmful. I felt so gross and disgusting...I hid myself in the covers. A came over and found me in there. He asked me if I was ok...I said no, I need you right now. Just as he laid down next to me and held me close to him I couldn't fight my tears anymore. As if my last bucket of will power poured out. For the first time in a long time I felt like it was ok to cry, that I'm allowed to cry.

I really was hurting and I didn't know what to do with it. I cried for what seemed like forever. I constantly said to myself that I was a crappy person. It eventually came out of my mouth and was audible enough for A to hear. "No, you're not a crappy person. Stop that. You're not a crappy person, I married you." Then, as if Enzo knew what was going on, he came over and tapped me (in his own rough way) on the head. I looked up and he smiled and giggled at me. The tears stopped and I was able to collect myself again. But, inside I still wished that I would go away, I still felt as if everything will NOT be ok.

A left for work and Enzo is down for a nap, and I'm once again alone. I thought that after all my tears I wouldn't hurt as much anymore. That's how it always worked, but not this time. I knew that I had an appointment coming up and I wished that I would be diagnosed with something bad. I wished for weakness (physically) and death. I got part of my wish granted.

A couple hours later, I fell over weak all over and feverish. Enzo was hungry and wanted attention. But, I felt cold chills and had no strength to get up. A came home to find Enzo sitting next to me watching tv and me in a fetal position. We had dinner benefit to go to, but I couldn't go and pushed Enzo and A to go.

Few hours later I woke up to find myself in bed. I laid there in the dark and thought of how pitiful I must look. I resorted to facebooking my current status to seek acknowledgment. A lot of family and friends including a youth wished me well. I felt so shameful. I have a husband and a kid, how could I be so selfish to wish myself gone. What will happen to my family?? So what if I'm hurting right now! I have a family to care about and other friends who care about me. I mean yes, I may feel like I've lost something very important in my life, but I still have my family who are just as important. I have dreams that are not yet fulfilled.

The lost of your will to fight is such a scary thing. Darkness creeps in without you knowing...or rather darkness is invited into your life the moment you lose your will. The only thing to lead you through that darkness is a small light of hope and love from God, family and friends.

Today, I am still hurting and really want to throw myself into a wall...but, I won't, I will fight today and I will win! I have a appointment at 11:30, please pray for me. Pray that the enemy will not have his way. Pray that God and my family will be my strength and that everything will be ok.

Julie, everything will be ok. You will get through all of this hurt and come to cherish D more. Julie, your family needs you, don't give up.