uh oh...

it always breaks my heart to see Enzo sick. To see him uncomfortable, and weak...

i'm worried about Enzo...he has been running a temperature since last night. all day today he's been walking around slowly, and not really showing much interest in eating or playing. so sad! he would just walk around, stop and look at his toys, then walk away or come over to sit with me. he NEVER chooses to 'sit with me', he thinks that he's too old to sit with his mommy. hopefully tomorrow he will be much better.

i started on my 'beta blockers' today. the first dose was baaaaaaad. basically, beta blockers are usually prescribed to patients who have high blood pressure and ppl who have had a heart attack to "improve survival". well, a couple minutes after i took it, i felt dizzy, lightheaded, weak, head was pounding, and i didn't have the energy to breath. breathing was really hard, i literally felt like i had to force myself and concentrate on breathing. yikes!

as i was trying to rest, Enzo woke up crying (probably from discomfort). realizing, i had no one around to help me i had to use every bit of strength in me to go downstairs to grab Enzo's meds, come up and hold him. at the time i really didn't have anymore strength in me and just hoped that he would fall asleep beside me. we both knocked out for about 40 mins and he woke up. poor little guy couldn't go back to sleep, he ended up just getting out of bed and playing on his own. i couldn't get up...all i remember was him standing at my bedside and trying to pull me up, poked me a few times, slapped my hand a few more times and resorted to playing with my hair...at which case caused me to fall into deep sleep. what he did after that, was totally between him and God.

right now Enzo is sound asleep...still feeling really warm...


Father,
You have blessed me with Enzo. he's wonderful! he's perfect in his own little way. right now he is sick. i really hate to see him suffer. to see him hurting. Father, please send your comfort to him. Father, please heal his little body and make him strong again. You know the pain of having to watch Your Child at a weak state. Please give me the patience and endurance to watch and care over him. Give A the rest that he may need to go to work and come home to tend to his wife and child's sickness. Help us as a family to encourage and love each other. Father, thank You for Your healing and blessings upon this family. You are our Lord and Our strength.

Love,
Julie

Postpartum Hyperthyroidism

whew! that's a lot of letters. i just heard from my Dr...my lab results definitely shows hyperthyroidism. i don't know if i should be happy or sad or worried. i mean it's possible for it to be cured. but, there are high chances that it'll come back again. i'm happy that i now have an explanation to my moodiness and "depression". sad, that enzo may be a carrier of thyroidthitis, and that there's a chance for it to pass down the generations.

it's so hard to stay a healthy mother these days. most importantly, it's so hard to stay a clean mom.

i've been sneezed on, snotted on, hurled on, ALMOST pp and poopoo'd on, spit at, drooled on, spilled stuff on, cried on and even boogered on!!! ah...the mark of a mother. :)

i'm much better today. had a nice long talk with D and it went well. i don't know what has been happening...it's been hard...but things seems to be working out. God, You made us friends...please guide us and reveal to us the path you want for us.

Day 2, lost will

Who would of known if you've lost the will power to fight, you lose the strength to fight too. Yesterday afternoon I found myself laying in bed sighing, while Enzo runs around on a mission, throwing his toys and our things all over. I realized that I lost the desire to tell him "no, don't do that". I tried to do laundry before I broke down. I dragged myself to the guest room and threw myself on the floor pleading God for help. Wondering if i just disappeared, would others' lives be better off. I wished that my life would end sooner.

God answered me, I think this was the fastest He's ever answered my cries. A came home just as I was wishing selfishly. I went over to our bedroom and waited for him to come up, while making sure Enzo wasn't doing anything harmful. I felt so gross and disgusting...I hid myself in the covers. A came over and found me in there. He asked me if I was ok...I said no, I need you right now. Just as he laid down next to me and held me close to him I couldn't fight my tears anymore. As if my last bucket of will power poured out. For the first time in a long time I felt like it was ok to cry, that I'm allowed to cry.

I really was hurting and I didn't know what to do with it. I cried for what seemed like forever. I constantly said to myself that I was a crappy person. It eventually came out of my mouth and was audible enough for A to hear. "No, you're not a crappy person. Stop that. You're not a crappy person, I married you." Then, as if Enzo knew what was going on, he came over and tapped me (in his own rough way) on the head. I looked up and he smiled and giggled at me. The tears stopped and I was able to collect myself again. But, inside I still wished that I would go away, I still felt as if everything will NOT be ok.

A left for work and Enzo is down for a nap, and I'm once again alone. I thought that after all my tears I wouldn't hurt as much anymore. That's how it always worked, but not this time. I knew that I had an appointment coming up and I wished that I would be diagnosed with something bad. I wished for weakness (physically) and death. I got part of my wish granted.

A couple hours later, I fell over weak all over and feverish. Enzo was hungry and wanted attention. But, I felt cold chills and had no strength to get up. A came home to find Enzo sitting next to me watching tv and me in a fetal position. We had dinner benefit to go to, but I couldn't go and pushed Enzo and A to go.

Few hours later I woke up to find myself in bed. I laid there in the dark and thought of how pitiful I must look. I resorted to facebooking my current status to seek acknowledgment. A lot of family and friends including a youth wished me well. I felt so shameful. I have a husband and a kid, how could I be so selfish to wish myself gone. What will happen to my family?? So what if I'm hurting right now! I have a family to care about and other friends who care about me. I mean yes, I may feel like I've lost something very important in my life, but I still have my family who are just as important. I have dreams that are not yet fulfilled.

The lost of your will to fight is such a scary thing. Darkness creeps in without you knowing...or rather darkness is invited into your life the moment you lose your will. The only thing to lead you through that darkness is a small light of hope and love from God, family and friends.

Today, I am still hurting and really want to throw myself into a wall...but, I won't, I will fight today and I will win! I have a appointment at 11:30, please pray for me. Pray that the enemy will not have his way. Pray that God and my family will be my strength and that everything will be ok.

Julie, everything will be ok. You will get through all of this hurt and come to cherish D more. Julie, your family needs you, don't give up.

a loyal friend

"A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails."
-unknown

"To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed."
- Valerie Lombardo


All these years I thought that to be a good, loyal friend I have to be the best I can be to a friend. When ever God puts someone into my life, I always find myself jumping in feet first not caring of the consequences. "Investing" in the relationship as if it's my number one priority, doing what ever I can to make sure that person is happy.

Many memories created in the process of becoming closer friends. Years of gaining each others' trust. But, it's funny how one thing can change all those years of experiences. How one thing can make me doubt and lose my trust in the person.

Despite all of the pain and resentment I feel it's meaningless. It's useless if I don't know how to handle it correctly. All these years I feel like I've been working really hard on getting rid of "myself", learning how to be selfless. But, I've failed miserably this past weekend.

I wish that I wasn't me. I wish that I could take everything back and just keep it to myself. I wish that this wouldn't hurt so much.

No matter how many times I am hurt by them I have to endure it and make sure that I am there when needed.