messy motherhood...

motherhood is not what i thought it would be, i don't love it. it's sticky, messy, wet and full of constant cleaning. it has stress written all over it, due to his running around the house and opening (or tasting) everything. it leaves me sleep deprived because i'm up cleaning his mess and putting his toys away or trying to find some personal (peace) time. not to mention the days where im showerless and forced to go out to see people (that's when the hat goes on or the hair is up). most importantly motherhood is often thankless and also others view you as a lazy bum for staying home. but, motherhood is a blessing and very rewarding at times.

oh, the 'lazy bum' part...i absolutely hate going to parties or dinners and meeting others...they almost ALWAYS ask "oh, so what do u do for a living?" that's when i try to come up with some clever way of telling them that i'm a mom-at-home. but, i always lose track in my thoughts of cleaning, bathing, chasing after the little one, entertaining him, feeding, teaching right from wrong, constant "no-no nathan"......i just end up saying "i'm a mom". then right on cue they would say "oh, that's nice....(insert awkward silence)...so, what does ur husband do for a living? oh, he's an optometrist?? i have so many eye questions!!! blah blah blah blah... it's during those moments where i would tell myself "julie, i think u have lost yourself, ur identity, ur interests no longer matter, what have you done for the world? God, what are you trying to teach me?" i know i have gifts and talents outside of motherhood...i have dreams for myself. what do i do with them?

without fail, i always hear the same answers..."you're called to be a mother now. God has a plan for you and your family. be patient, you will get through all of this". well, of course i know that i will get through it all and come out a stronger woman of God. but, the responisibility to raise a child is hard and often ambiguous. what if i mess up, and dont even know the damage i have caused. it's not like i can say "it's ok, we'll just make another one and hope we do it right this time".

seeing Enzo walk and point at things, smile at me, babble on about something i can't understand is something that reminds me that he is a gift to me. it gives me a glimpse of how our Father must feel when we do silly things that make him smile down on us. And, seeing Enzo do something that requires me to sit and teach him that it was wrong, reminds me of God sitting with us.

i know i'm not really lost in motherhood. i'm just at the shop getting new parts and a tune up. my gifts, talents and dreams will always be there because it's a part of who i am. in the meantime, thankless days, constant "awkward silences" from others are all needed for my growth. i just have to remember to keep hold of my dreams and try to use the things that God has given me to aid in my family's love for God and each other.

Father, help me to see that life right now is meant to serve my family and that all of this is just a training for my future. help me to hold onto my talents and dreams so i dont forget who i am.



because they grow up so fast!!!

life in a Pathfinder...

We finally bought a 2nd car! 2005 Nissan Pathfinder...it's GI-normous...definately big enough to house more than one baby seat AND 2 (small) passengers in the 3rd row. who says that we have to switch to a minivan once we have kids?? i feel that A and i have worked way too hard to gain our "cool points", and getting a minivan (altho glorious in its space and accessibility) is not worth losing our points over.

surprisingly, with the Pathfinder's large size i'm not having such a hard time adjusting to it. in fact i enjoy my ride looking down at the puny sedans inching along as i'm zooming past them. "so, this is how it feels to be tall...i like it!"..until i arrive at my destination and have to jump out of my momma wagon.

the majority of my adjustments to the Pathfinder has nothing to do with the exterior, though. Enzo's animal crackers and kix suddenly has more places to hide in. his sippy cup has mysteriously disappeared and reappeared. luckily, i haven't lost my child in the crevices.

Father, thank you so much for blessing us with a new 'old' car. ur love is so awesome and we hope that we would be able to use what u have given to us to serve others as well.

feeling the blues..

after 5 hrs of driving, being pulled over by a cop, pit stops at local walmarts and hours of truth-or-dare...we've finally made it into Philly. during the car ride i couldn't help but to feel sad that D wasn't there to share in our fun. my physical body was there in the car talking and having fun, but my thoughts were with her. i felt like something bad was going to happen or that she's hurting. desperately i wanted to hear her voice and make sure that she was ok. i wrote her an email..received a reply...and right after i replied again i got a phone call from her. it was as if she knew right when i pushed the "send" button. i just love the way God works...especially if it's an instant reply/result. hehe..don't we all?

but, sometimes i feel that it's the long awaited results from God that are the most rewarding. it's during those long periods of waiting that we learn the most about ourselves and of God's sovereignty. He will ALWAYS respond to your prayers and on top of that He'll reward you with something totally unexpected and more than what you have asked for.

a prime example of that would be 9 years ago. i had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was pretty wounded from the experience. i knew that i had to make a pretty big commitment so i could focus on chasing after God. i prayed a certain prayer that eventually led me to meet my future husband. i said "Father, i want to focus on living a life that will glorify u. so, please close my eyes and my heart to all the guys around me except for the one that you have planned for me." well, about a year of praying and waiting for the right one, God introduced me to A who just so happened to have prayed the same exact prayer as i did. as you all know, A is now my husband and together we are chasing after God's heart.