messy motherhood...

motherhood is not what i thought it would be, i don't love it. it's sticky, messy, wet and full of constant cleaning. it has stress written all over it, due to his running around the house and opening (or tasting) everything. it leaves me sleep deprived because i'm up cleaning his mess and putting his toys away or trying to find some personal (peace) time. not to mention the days where im showerless and forced to go out to see people (that's when the hat goes on or the hair is up). most importantly motherhood is often thankless and also others view you as a lazy bum for staying home. but, motherhood is a blessing and very rewarding at times.

oh, the 'lazy bum' part...i absolutely hate going to parties or dinners and meeting others...they almost ALWAYS ask "oh, so what do u do for a living?" that's when i try to come up with some clever way of telling them that i'm a mom-at-home. but, i always lose track in my thoughts of cleaning, bathing, chasing after the little one, entertaining him, feeding, teaching right from wrong, constant "no-no nathan"......i just end up saying "i'm a mom". then right on cue they would say "oh, that's nice....(insert awkward silence)...so, what does ur husband do for a living? oh, he's an optometrist?? i have so many eye questions!!! blah blah blah blah... it's during those moments where i would tell myself "julie, i think u have lost yourself, ur identity, ur interests no longer matter, what have you done for the world? God, what are you trying to teach me?" i know i have gifts and talents outside of motherhood...i have dreams for myself. what do i do with them?

without fail, i always hear the same answers..."you're called to be a mother now. God has a plan for you and your family. be patient, you will get through all of this". well, of course i know that i will get through it all and come out a stronger woman of God. but, the responisibility to raise a child is hard and often ambiguous. what if i mess up, and dont even know the damage i have caused. it's not like i can say "it's ok, we'll just make another one and hope we do it right this time".

seeing Enzo walk and point at things, smile at me, babble on about something i can't understand is something that reminds me that he is a gift to me. it gives me a glimpse of how our Father must feel when we do silly things that make him smile down on us. And, seeing Enzo do something that requires me to sit and teach him that it was wrong, reminds me of God sitting with us.

i know i'm not really lost in motherhood. i'm just at the shop getting new parts and a tune up. my gifts, talents and dreams will always be there because it's a part of who i am. in the meantime, thankless days, constant "awkward silences" from others are all needed for my growth. i just have to remember to keep hold of my dreams and try to use the things that God has given me to aid in my family's love for God and each other.

Father, help me to see that life right now is meant to serve my family and that all of this is just a training for my future. help me to hold onto my talents and dreams so i dont forget who i am.



because they grow up so fast!!!