to have and to hold...

we had the privilage of attending a friend's wedding this weekend. it was very beautiful and awesome to see some old friends. i almost forgot how much work gets put into a single day. sometimes i can't help but to think that we shouldn't have put so much into our wedding, or invited so many people. if i could do it all over again i would just do a destination wedding and just have close friends and family present.

that night we went over to a friend's house and had crabs. it was amazing! totally worth me scratching all night.

that night a bunch of married couples sat around full from crabs playing a game where we ask each other penetrating questions. well, it wasn't that bad...there was nothing we wouldn't have answered. one of the questions was "since marriage, has there been anything about him/her that surprised you that you didn't know about him/her before marriage?" or "what's the most romantic thing he/she has done for you?" and "what is the one thing you are proud of still doing even after a baby?"

i'm not too sure how i would answer some of those questions. i don't think there's anything about A that surprised me after we got married. for him, he was surprised about my passion for counseling others. i think i was surprised about that too...i don't think i saw it in myself before we got married. i just knew that i really enjoyed talking to people, especially when they are in need. haha..as for most romantic thing...we just won't go there because we don't have any..we should work on this part a little more. and, the one thing we are proud of doing even after a baby is going out for fine dining and having dinner parties at our house.

after being together for so long..things just don't stick out as much anymore, and we just don't have the energy to be creative. i sometimes wonder if that should be something that we should be working on.

passing time

sometimes when i look at N i can't help but to think of how fast time is flying by. he went from not being able to wrap his arms all the way around his head to now where he's able to touch the tip of his fingers. from laying around on his back/belly all day to now where he can't sit still without veggietales. and from not being able to get from point a to point b
without being carried around to now where he doesn't even want to be held.

"wow, i'm getting OLD" is the first thought that pops into my head when i watch N grow up. after spending a little over a week here at my parent's house i can't help but to look back at my past here. where i would spend the summers laying around on the couch and waiting for school to come back around. or i would spend the time jumping from couch to couch with my sister pretending to be the characters in the chinese dramas. haha..i remember one summer my sister and i spent a lot of time sitting on the bathroom sink having "tea time". we drank water until we got sick.

but, this afternoon i find my sister and i on the living room couches typing away on our laptops. she's doing "work" and i'm blogging away and spying on people on facebook...barely talking to each other.

so, what's different here? why is it that we never have time for others anymore? we fill in our free time with gaming online, facebooking, tweeting, watching tv, chatting online, blogging or even "working". we neglect each other and we've even gone as far as losing our communication skills, making up excuses for not making new friends. and, among all of these distractions we put in our life...where is God in our list of "things to do"?

i still haven't found the best way for me to give up some of my laptop time to spend with God instead. i know i should really force myself to spend it reading God's word. i know that if i long to chase after God i need to make the initiative.

God u're awesome!

oh wow! God you're awesome!!! right after i wrote the previous blog and was about to publish it my god sister called me just to see how i was doing. WOW! God really listens and He sent someone to cheer me up. :)

*sigh* i am feeling much better now. :) once i let all the tears out my heart isn't as heavy anymore. thanks for all your encouragements my friends and family. you're amazing!!!!! :D

missing you

have u ever had those moments where you feel like something is missing? you know exactly what it is, but there's nothing you can do about it. you just have to try and get over it to save yourself from the heartache.

i'm having one of those moments now. it takes everything in me to not lay in bed all day. i have to force myself out to not think about the pain. i go out everyday to fill my mind with temporary distractions only to come home to my permanent heartache. i'm not exactly alone, i have a lot of people around me and i try to keep myself busy, but yet i still feel so lonely. this is really just as bad as when A went to Kuwait. sad right? i know. i didn't think that this would be this hard. or am i just allowing this to be this hard? maybe i'm just hormonal...hahaha...it's silly...i know that she's not gone forever...but it's hard...i don't know why i feel this sad.

well, i'm left with nothing to do now, but to wish D comfort and busyness. to pray for her every moment that i think of her. to be strong for her so i could encourage her when needed.



Father,
thank you so much for blessing me with this friendship. you have taught me so much through D. but, now you have called her to the other side of the world...help her to continue to be obedient to you. help her to be weak when she is stubborn, and help her to be strong when she is feeling lonely. Father only you can love her the way that she deserves to be loved, so..Father...love her. surround her with your people and remind her through them that it's ok and that you're there with her. work in the hearts of the people there and help them to be gentle with D's heart. equip her with all the right weapons to fight this war.
Father, i need you more than ever now. i am so weak now...emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually....my heart can't take much more of this. give me the strength to overcome these desires to just be sad and tired. i can't do this myself, i realize that i need you. i want your comfort...a comfort that no one can give to me but you, Father. wipe these tears from my eyes...Father, why am i so weak? i know that it's the only way for me to rely on you...but Father this hurts so much. why is my heart so stubborn that every time i need to be this broken before i can look for your comfort? all i need is you...all i need is your comfort...all i want is peace in my heart. Father, you know that i love you...and i know that you love me, but help me to feel it. i don't want to feel this helpless. help me to understand that it's ok to cry and that it's ok to be sad...and in all this i will find your love for me. thank you for giving me Enzo and A to be with me. Father, help them to be patient with me as i am trying to remember that you're in this.
desiring to chase after you, Father.



with that i end this post with a message from honeydew to his god mommy. i hope you understand what he's saying to u. :) i'm sure it's the usual "i love you, and i miss you very very very much"

walking! eek!

badoom...badoom..badoom....sounds he makes when he's crawling....

pit pat pit pat pit pat...sounds he makes when he's walking!!!!!!!

he's finally learned how to walk with no assistance!!!! well, he still prefers crawling, but every time he takes that step out on his own we would encourage him and clap for him. it's amazing what a simple clap or cheer can do for a child. he's so happy to be walking on his own...he'll do this high pitched squeal.

again, i got a glimpse of what God must feel when we take that leap of faith and start to walk in our destiny. how proud He must be of us when we obey. oh, how the angels clap and cheer us on...

it's yet another milestone...i was just looking at old pictures of Enzo the other day and realized how big he is now! he's really half my size now!!! and has more than 8 teeth!!!

he looks more and more like A. this morning when i went to pick up Enzo i realized that his hair was sticking out on the side just like his daddy. i couldn't help but to laugh at him like i do to A in the mornings.




a preview of what's to come in the future...

friend?

have you ever had a friend that you felt couldn't have known you better? a friend who would walk with you through life's ups and downs? a friend who's taught you so much about God's love? or how about a friend whom you are willing to lay down your life for?

honestly, i thought that person can only be my husband...my family. growing up i was always taught to keep to myself and not worry about someone outside of my family. i was to sacrifice whatever i had for my family, but ppl outside of that were considered a waste of time. for a while i thought that was how life was suppose to be for an ABC christian. it wasn't until i met A and we started our journey as husband and wife, that i learned the importance of loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. the love i learned from my past was a selfish love...a love in which we used each other to satisfy our loneliness as a teen. but, the love i have for A is different, he's taught me over the years that loving someone meant u are willing to give up your own comforts and frustrations in order to make the other person happy. he's lost so many fights with me just because he knew i loved to win. i learned patience from him and selfless love.

bc of what A taught me in life i was able to practice that with someone i met in my journey towards God. she was definitely different from all the other girls i've ever met, but i couldn't figure out what it was. i just knew that there was something about her that captivated me. little did i know that she was my next mission...she possessed a very special gift where i've never seen in anyone else in my life. compassionate love. i mean her heart is so kind and so clear...she could see right through others ugliness and love them for their heart. it seems that this gift is lost in this world and is a rarity today.

she has her quirks and insecurities, but that is precisely the reason why i love her so much and want to do what ever i can to protect her (older sibling personality coming out). using what A has taught me i learned to apply it to our friendship, which was surprisingly easy to do for her. the selfish ABC was starting to really enjoy loving her friend.

days spent talking to each other, hours spent lounging on the couch, and minutes spent being pushed by each other. even though we didn't really grow up together i really feel as if we were the best of friends in the hospital's nursery and watched each other fall and scrape our knees. she understands my broken thoughts and can finish my sentences before i can even think of the words!!!

during that time God was sending all sorts of ppl into my life to push my buttons. for the longest time i couldn't figure out why. until recently, God started to reveal the reason why I was friends with D. my next mission was to learn how to love ppl who i think aren't worthy of my love. wow! that's a toughy. but, while watching D use her gift, i was so inspired to do the same in order to be closer to God.

the past few months i would drag myself to talk to ppl i wouldn't normally approach, fear of being creeped out or angered. in the past i would used to imagine myself hitting whoever is annoying me with huge boxing gloves. but now, it's different...i feel peace when i talk to them and it's because i really want to change and really want to obey God's commands.

well, now D is off to Taiwan to bless others with her love and i'm left behind to practice my new skills. i look forward to her return already so i could pounce on her and surprise her with what God has used her to teach me.





(nothing describes our relationship better than this... ;P)

3/11/2010

RIP Allie



After the accident on Sunday i was feeling very down on Monday. I felt myself spiraling down into a never ending pit of "what ifs". Images of a Lexus Es coming closer as we are about to smash into it played in my head endlessly. As I spent the day going back in time I clearly was not helping myself get over it.

There were a few split second moments where I was able to "snap" myself out of it. And, it was during those moments I thought back to our recent study of Job. Job lost everything in one day and yet he was still able to praise God in his suffering. Immediately I attempted to compare myself to him. "What if" in that accident I had lost my son & my husband and I lost all of my limbs! Would I still be able to praise God for the lost? Honestly...no! I would not be able to say "thank you Lord for testing me", instead I would say "Lord, what have you done?! Why me?!" Obviously I was being silly trying to compare myself with Job...Look at me! We've only lost our car and I am already wallowing in our experience or lost.

As the day went on I added onto my sadness by asking myself if this happened because we have sinned. Or is it because we care so much about our car (Allie)? I even tried to avoid all of this by sleeping. but, I was still thinking about it in my dreams!

In the evening I complained about my day with D. I shared about all my thoughts and (maybe because I verbalized it) I realized what was wrong. I wasn't upset at the injustice of the situation or the pain of having to dish out more money. The reason why I couldn't let the accident go was because I had no control over it. I felt so helpless and desperately wanted to figure out what I could have done to avoid the accident (I wanted control). I wasn't even the one driving! I wasn't suffering because of sin, but I was sinning because of my suffering (how profound is that truth?!). I instantly saw that it was how I handled things in the past. I remembered going through the same struggle over control my freshman year of college. The solution was for me to take myself off of the pedestal. The funny thing is I thought that I had already passed that test my freshman year and that I wouldn't be tested on that again. Not realizing that I have been fighting for control every single time I've been tested. It's scary the kind of lies you tell yourself or how easy it is for you to fool yourself.

Recognizing the root of what the problem was I instantly felt relief. I knew how to deal with the situation. I just needed to give it all up to God and let Him take over. As easy as that may sound I know that it will be a constant struggle for me. But, I trust that God will only strengthen me for His kingdom. And, I welcome God to test me over and over again, because He is a sovereign God. Most importantly it is just another opportunity for me to turn to God for strength.

2/18/2010

(something very special to me that I've learned recently...pls excuse the grammer)

"Have I brushed my teeth?" is a question I asked myself today at 6pm. Actually it is a question I often ask myself when I am home alone all day with Enzo. Don't get me wrong..I love spending time with my son. But, when it's one of "those days" where he is fussy and curious all day, and I have little to none adult interaction. Where my days are filled with somewhat intellectual "oooohs, whoa's, uh ohs, and (my favorite) 'Nathan, where are you?...Yea?!(answered by Nathan)". It's a little hard. I don't know how many KitKats I had eaten to keep myself running up and down those stairs to put Enzo back down.

After my lunch I attempted to get away from my own madness with some worship. It seemed to help a little. But, while I was worshipping I found myself singing "Just Let Me Say" Father please take me out of this house! Or I was singing "Oh Lord My Heart Longs To Be" back in Baltimore where I can be rescued from myself.

If I could only see my face once Abs walked through that door. I must of looked very helpless, but indeed I did feel helpless. I was so relieved to see someone taller than me!

Abs took us out of the house and we went to MacArthur for dinner and some shopping. During dinner I watched Nathan scarf down a cheese wrap from Cheesecake Factory. I found myself looking at him and my thick cold heart melting. I realized how selfish I was. It's not Nathan's fault for being fussy, he had 3 shots yesterday! It's not his fault for being curious, he's still learning to adjust to a world where everything is bigger than him. Where there is a woman who calls herself "momma" constantly freaking out and screaming at him everytime he tries or touches something potentially messy. I chuckled at myself...if there's anyone entitled to have a meltdown it's Nathan.

This epiphany had opened my eyes to God's grace and love for me. Whenever I'm having a crazy or "the world is ending" moment God doesn't look at me in anger. He doesn't whine about how annoying I am. He is instead patiently waiting for me to finish crying and He smiles at me then gently tells me "it's ok I'm here for you". Or when I'm curious about something He doesn't stop me from any potential messiness. He let's me choose on my own and if I get dirty or hurt He's there showing or teaching me what I've learned. Of course when He sees that I'm about to fall into a corner of a table or stick my finger into a socket he steps in. That right there is real parenting. Being a mom is so hard!

I say to myself "I want to be a good mother". A mother that will teach Nathan to love God. But, how am I going to do that if I keep getting in the way?! Wow, thanks God for using Nathan to teach me such a valuble lesson. I see that I've got a long ways to go.