2/18/2010

(something very special to me that I've learned recently...pls excuse the grammer)

"Have I brushed my teeth?" is a question I asked myself today at 6pm. Actually it is a question I often ask myself when I am home alone all day with Enzo. Don't get me wrong..I love spending time with my son. But, when it's one of "those days" where he is fussy and curious all day, and I have little to none adult interaction. Where my days are filled with somewhat intellectual "oooohs, whoa's, uh ohs, and (my favorite) 'Nathan, where are you?...Yea?!(answered by Nathan)". It's a little hard. I don't know how many KitKats I had eaten to keep myself running up and down those stairs to put Enzo back down.

After my lunch I attempted to get away from my own madness with some worship. It seemed to help a little. But, while I was worshipping I found myself singing "Just Let Me Say" Father please take me out of this house! Or I was singing "Oh Lord My Heart Longs To Be" back in Baltimore where I can be rescued from myself.

If I could only see my face once Abs walked through that door. I must of looked very helpless, but indeed I did feel helpless. I was so relieved to see someone taller than me!

Abs took us out of the house and we went to MacArthur for dinner and some shopping. During dinner I watched Nathan scarf down a cheese wrap from Cheesecake Factory. I found myself looking at him and my thick cold heart melting. I realized how selfish I was. It's not Nathan's fault for being fussy, he had 3 shots yesterday! It's not his fault for being curious, he's still learning to adjust to a world where everything is bigger than him. Where there is a woman who calls herself "momma" constantly freaking out and screaming at him everytime he tries or touches something potentially messy. I chuckled at myself...if there's anyone entitled to have a meltdown it's Nathan.

This epiphany had opened my eyes to God's grace and love for me. Whenever I'm having a crazy or "the world is ending" moment God doesn't look at me in anger. He doesn't whine about how annoying I am. He is instead patiently waiting for me to finish crying and He smiles at me then gently tells me "it's ok I'm here for you". Or when I'm curious about something He doesn't stop me from any potential messiness. He let's me choose on my own and if I get dirty or hurt He's there showing or teaching me what I've learned. Of course when He sees that I'm about to fall into a corner of a table or stick my finger into a socket he steps in. That right there is real parenting. Being a mom is so hard!

I say to myself "I want to be a good mother". A mother that will teach Nathan to love God. But, how am I going to do that if I keep getting in the way?! Wow, thanks God for using Nathan to teach me such a valuble lesson. I see that I've got a long ways to go.