After the accident on Sunday i was feeling very down on Monday. I felt myself spiraling down into a never ending pit of "what ifs". Images of a Lexus Es coming closer as we are about to smash into it played in my head endlessly. As I spent the day going back in time I clearly was not helping myself get over it.
There were a few split second moments where I was able to "snap" myself out of it. And, it was during those moments I thought back to our recent study of Job. Job lost everything in one day and yet he was still able to praise God in his suffering. Immediately I attempted to compare myself to him. "What if" in that accident I had lost my son & my husband and I lost all of my limbs! Would I still be able to praise God for the lost? Honestly...no! I would not be able to say "thank you Lord for testing me", instead I would say "Lord, what have you done?! Why me?!" Obviously I was being silly trying to compare myself with Job...Look at me! We've only lost our car and I am already wallowing in our experience or lost.
As the day went on I added onto my sadness by asking myself if this happened because we have sinned. Or is it because we care so much about our car (Allie)? I even tried to avoid all of this by sleeping. but, I was still thinking about it in my dreams!
In the evening I complained about my day with D. I shared about all my thoughts and (maybe because I verbalized it) I realized what was wrong. I wasn't upset at the injustice of the situation or the pain of having to dish out more money. The reason why I couldn't let the accident go was because I had no control over it. I felt so helpless and desperately wanted to figure out what I could have done to avoid the accident (I wanted control). I wasn't even the one driving! I wasn't suffering because of sin, but I was sinning because of my suffering (how profound is that truth?!). I instantly saw that it was how I handled things in the past. I remembered going through the same struggle over control my freshman year of college. The solution was for me to take myself off of the pedestal. The funny thing is I thought that I had already passed that test my freshman year and that I wouldn't be tested on that again. Not realizing that I have been fighting for control every single time I've been tested. It's scary the kind of lies you tell yourself or how easy it is for you to fool yourself.
Recognizing the root of what the problem was I instantly felt relief. I knew how to deal with the situation. I just needed to give it all up to God and let Him take over. As easy as that may sound I know that it will be a constant struggle for me. But, I trust that God will only strengthen me for His kingdom. And, I welcome God to test me over and over again, because He is a sovereign God. Most importantly it is just another opportunity for me to turn to God for strength.
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